The last thing I learned to do was to to talk openly and comfortably  to strangers in support groups about my mother who is dying of cancer... My mother will not let me talk about it to her and she refuses to express what's been turning the wheels of her own mind, so desperate, scared and mad at the world, I sought others for advice, shoulders, open ears and personal experiences that might possibly lighten the load... if only for a minute or two. Every day that she wakes up and takes a breath has been beautiful, wonderful, terrifying and heart wrenching, all kind of balled up in one. So it has been the days themselves that I have learned to cope with, and will continue to do so, until I have to say goodbye. Then I'll have to learn all over again.

I just packed away some holiday decorations and came across a letter to Santa written by my 5 year old. I will keep it forever! She wrote the following:

Dear Santa,
This is Rhianna. Please, I want only one thing so you can deliver to the whole world.

How amazing is that!?! ( of course her version is much larger, written in marker and a little scattered across the page) She figured that if Santa had to deliver to the whole world, he might run out of toys, so she didn't want to be greedy. Then she asked me to send her old toys to Africa, because she knows that some people don't have as much as she does.... She's only 5!!! What a sweet pea!

For me, the hardest thing to ask for is help...

Wow! Never really thought of this one. I've always been the type to go absolutely broke because someone else needed it more... let me think. I think I probably have the hardest time with giving love... freely and wholeheartedly... although I try. It seems that no matter what, that is the one true area that I tend to hold back. Even when I feel connected and close, I usually withdraw and manage to distance myself somewhat. Other than that, take as you have need.

Okay. I absolutely put my faith in GOD. For those of you who feel the same and have read the Holy Bible... does it say in the Bible that GOD is one? Or does it say in Genesis 1:26 "And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness:..." So, then, who and what is God? Is GOD possibly many, such as the endless number of cells in our own body, each different, but all working together as one... as a whole. Thinking about the "image" that we were created after, does this image honestly refer to flesh and blood bodies that we drive around aimlessly in? Or, maybe, that image is of a more spiritual nature. Every SOUL has the ability to think freely, feel differently and choose his or her own path. Is it then our SOUL that was created in HIS image? If every soul and every body chose to believe and accept Jesus as our savior and follow the laws of GOD, then will we outlive our bodies and go on eternally without fear of death? Are we not told that we shall enter the eternal kingdom of God? If so, how? In I Corinthians 15:50 "Now I say, Brethren, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the Kingdom of God." So, basically, bad news for those of us who place value on our earthly being, as it is written we must leave our bodies behind to enter the Kingdom. My full and honest opinion, without quoting scripture, is that we are all equally important in this world, whether we be humanitarians or serial-killers... we could not do so if we weren't necessary for the fulfillment of God's master plan. Yes, we are all unique and different, but in the grand scheme of things, we are all one. I pray that I will enter this Kingdom, and pray for the whole of humanity on this journey. We will all die, each and every one of us, so don't live in regret... live with a sense of fullfillment and accomplishment... without judgement... fully forgiving... and in peace. Remember, if you are a believer, you will be judged as you have judged, and mercy will be given to the merciful.

The thing I would like to celebrate the most is the fact that some people have the ability to pour out their heart and soul in the most moving and beautiful manner and give freely of themselves all in the effort to lighten the load of others and ease the pain of those who suffer. My mother is dying... and a perfect stranger in the support group I recently joined sent me the Blue Book... this analogy, taken directly from it, is the most comforting thing I've ever read:

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!"

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says: "There, she is gone!" There are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout; " Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

                                                                                  ______ Henry Van Dyke

As I lie in bed, awake, permitting the open wave of noise to freely flow within my own consciousness. Dreams are not permitted here. There is only room for pure and unblemished truth. Here, much mightier than dreams, visions of clarity and insight overtake my being and revitalize my spirit.

If I could wish for anything it would be that mankind would announce a cure for all disease... TODAY!!!!!!!!!!  I could make the wish to cure my mom of her incurable cancer, but what about everyone else suffering and agonizing prior to death. No one should have to go through what she's gone through.

My recent stumble into faith... and forgiveness.

After I put my kids to sleep.

For the longest time I felt that I was being punished and that the only reason for my life was to endure suffering. Now that I am older, I think I'm actually greatful for the pain I've had to endure. (Some of it, anyway.) Without it, (although this may sound cliche), I honestly wouldn't have the same appreciation for the blessings I've recieved. You could probably make a mini-series out of my crazy and chaotic life.... and the fact that I am the person I am today, is a direct result of everything I've experienced. These past couple of years I have been enveloped in suffering. I lost my home, my husband relapsed and abandoned us, my children and I were forced into the street and into a shomeless shelter, my mother was diagnosed with deadly cancer, my ex was awarded partial custody of my daughter, my savings were wiped out and I have been held responsible for my husbands debt that he accrued during his relapse, my mother-in-law is still trying to escape forclosure, many of my friends turned their backs on me after my husband's relapse, and I've had to sit back and be the shoulder for everyone else to cry on. I think that this mental suffering is even more difficult than the physical... which believe me, I have gone through as well. My point is, that it's only after we are completely broken down that we can truly begin to rebuild ourselves and grow. Suffering seems to be the only thing I can think of that can accomplish this.

Caffeine... just kidding, partially! In all honesty my strength comes from within me and exists all around me. It is the spirit that resides over me, watches me, whispers to my conscience and skillfully guides me through the obstacles that this life presents. Off and on, throughout my life, I've had periods where faith had been lost, and periods where my faith was renewed. The only thing that has ever been a constant is the knowledge that someone or something was protecting me and watching over me. I now credit that sensation to my faith in God, whoever he may be, and fully believe that I will one day walk in his kingdom, wherever it may exist. 

Money?? Hmmm.... what's that? I have so much debt to pay I rarely have the opportunity to hold it in my hand. On the flipside, I'm not too overly worried about it. I have this beleif about wealth you see. After making most of the neccessary payments I owe, I usually have just a little left over. If I keep it for myself, I usually end up spending it... and then it is gone. If I use it to help someone else then something magical occurs. Money happens to find its way back into my pocket. So my theory is, the more I give to those in greater need, the more I am blessed and continue to recieve. This relationship with money has always been present in my life and it never fails. The minute I step back and try to keep it for myself, the miraculous funding source takes a break. Even when I have had virtually nothing, opportunities much greater than money have opened up for me. Hopefully my children will also understand that money isn't the most important thing... especially if it isn't ours to spend. Wherever it comes from and whoever sends it, there is always a predestined purpose for it much greater than my own.

This is sooooo hard. I have so many unanswered questions to choose from. If I ask a selfish question then I'll have wasted the most important opportunity of my life, so.... I think I'm going to go by faith. I know that there are many things in life that remain purposefully hidden and are possibly not revealed because they are not meant to be known yet, at least not by me. So I wouldn't choose to know the purpose behind it all. I wouldn't ask about the hereafter, nor would I ask about the Kingdom coming. These things just are. When i am ready I will know. So my question then must turn to what I can control, maintain and improve. I guess the only question that I am left with would be, "Is there anything more that I need to do in this lifes journey?"

I am thankful to God for allowing the sun to rise today and for giving me a part to play, however big or small.

I think that my life would be more balanced if I could just follow the advice that I often offer to others... A little more ME time and a little less everything else. Also, I know full well that there are things in this life which I cannot control, such as death. If I could just allow myself to accept things as they are and welcome everything as it comes, maybe I might actually see the peace that comes with it. Peace from turmoil and clarity from stress. I'm not sure I'll get there anytime soon, but it is definitely worth seeking and ultimately,  this would bring me balance.

I have a very hard time accepting praise.

I have a very hard time accepting disease.

I have a very hard time accepting abuse.

But I have the hardest time accepting what I'm told. Truth? Where? There are so many lies and secrets and cover-ups, that truth suffocates, beneath the weight. Nope. I can't possibly accept things for what they seem.

The chaotic peace of my babies, playing and laughing quite loud as they jump off the couch and onto pillow mounds created just for this purpose. Now my daughter is carefully brushing my hair. Wow... my kids are growing... right here in front of me. I can almost see them age ever so slightly... I can almost here there bodies stretch. I see that with every moment that passes they are growing.

Depends on the type of fear I suppose. If I have some unnerving fear provoking thought stirring up inside of me that is of a future event, like the fear of failure, I find that cleaning everything in sight calms me. I also tend to rationalize my fears to the point that they sound silly even to me. Then there are the fears that sneak up on me. Like being followed... automatically fear takes over, you pick up your step and begin to move much quicker only to notice that the sound of footsteps behind you have also quickened. If you've ever been in an abusive situation or relationship, fear generally imobolizes you. Then there is the unending fear that stays with me every hour of every day. Are my kids okay? Will someone inflict harm of any kind on them? Can I trust their childcare and school systems completely? Should I be worried? This fear is not only unending but nothing seems to calm it. In my efforts to deal with it, I am much more proactive. I show up various times to see my kids and daycare/schools in action. I do not allow my kids to play outside unless I am out with them. I do not allow them into the homes of other children unless I know the parents and I always check Megan's Law to keep myself aware and informed of how close predators are. So, I guess the best method for me to deal with fear is to first recognize where exactly the fear is coming from.

In pen and paper. Writing all of the random, sometimes incoherent and other times deep and inspirational thoughts and ideas that happen to come to mind. Physically speaking, any beach where ocean waves crash against the shore sets me completely at peace and in a near trance-like state.

Teddy Bear's Pic-nic. I used to love that song and can't remember where I first heard it. It reappeared not to long ago when I watched Open Season with my kids.

I believe that all life is connected in some way and we all co-exist together for some greater purpose. I think it would be amazing and beautiful to understand the depth of this connection. What a blessing it would be if the entire human race could fully understand how equally important and neccessary each of us are!

Several months ago... almost a year now. I lost my home. Had nothing to call my own. My husband left me for heroin and meth. I humbled myself, and with two kids moved into a temporary homeless shelter. I was housed, fed and given money for clothing at a sponsored thrift store. I was entirely dependent on the grace of God.

If I take the meaning of the word looking and change it... or "create" a new meaning then I can "create" beauty every time I look. If I look at those around me, those closest to me, and those who are far away, those who are average every-day people, maybe I'll be able to see them for who they are. Every new person I meet is a new opportunity to see compassion, love, mercy, jealousy, rage, hurt and all that which is in our nature.... life! Look around and see it, it is everywhere and it is in everything and it sits patiently. waiting for someone to see.

I'm already planning on it. In God's eternal kingdom!